Step Ten: Bus Monkey

"Will she look at you the way I do, and wonder if what she wants to say is important enough to wake you up for?"

It's 4 AM and I'm sitting on the floor, freezing. Though I shiver from my thoughts rather than the cold. Nothing chills my soul like the fear of watching you fall in love with someone else. But I'm lucky, she isn't like me. She's as frigid as my ideas. A girl cold as ice has no place in your warm heart. You won't melt her before there's frost in your aorta.

I could see it in your face, confusion and disappointment. I know you were excited, I was too. And despite how painfully awkward it was to walk around and pretend everything was fine I was glad we got to do one of my favorite things together. It was easy to forget she was there until you kissed her. If I could play that scene frame by frame, you would get to watch my stomach crawl out of my mouth and hang itself from a ceiling fan. Never in my life had I wanted- no, needed, to vomit like that. Thinking about it now still makes my feel uneasy. I wanted so badly to talk to you about it later on but my brain was so exhausted all I could do was revel in the moment that I was back in your arms and sleep. We missed out on some things, but you've led me to believe that there will always me a next time. And so I'm banking on the weekend.

Have you ever wished a horrible tragedy upon yourself to escape something? I have, and I do all the time. But surprisingly enough, while I walked up to you holding her close, I couldn't even fathom wanting to be struck by lightning. I watched and I waited and I stayed patient. I kept an open mind until I could tell you my thoughts without being biased. And I hope to god that you listened.

I can't stop you from anything when I'm not around, but for my own sake, just don't tell me. I never want to see that image of your lips on hers again. The thought of what could have happened when I walked away is choking me.